Climate Chaos, Celebrity Mayhem, and Stupefaction

Leaders and activists from all over the world have converged on Copenhagen, Denmark, in order to discuss climate change and what we can do in order to keep temperatures from rising dangerously. The theory is that greenhouse gasses and carbon dioxide emissions create a layer that traps in heat and causes these unnatural and excessive global warming. As of this writing, the temperature is 25 degrees. They should consider holding these talks in the summer, here in Chico, just for dramatic effect. I saw John Stossel years ago reacting with disdain to the idea of global warming. First he argued that it wasn’t happening, and then, in one of those classic twists of logic distortion, stated that even if it was happening, what’s the big deal? He suggested that the temperatures would rise most in the coldest regions, and that the people who lived in Siberia for example, would likely appreciate the increased temperatures anyway.

The problem is bigger than temperatures of course. The issues are: rising sea levels, changing weather patterns, droughts, storms, melting polar ice caps, and so on. Personally I understand a branch of the skeptics- those who admit global warming is happening, but won’t correlate the rising temperatures with human activity. It is hard to conceive of us pesky humans actually having the capacity to screw something as large and robust as the Earth up so utterly. But experience does suggest that if humans are good at anything, it is screwing things up in a very serious way. The first town that had two automobiles, had the first automobile accident shortly thereafter. The world’s first unsinkable ship, sank to the bottom of the sea on its maiden voyage. The Hindenberg, the atomic bomb, the leaning tower of Piza, eviction from the Garden of Eden, the Tower of Babel, the twin towers… Our collective ego is the only thing greater than our ability to erect and construct – that and our incredible myopia.

Celebrity Mayhem

Holly Sampson

I try not to focus too much on the celebrity nonsense, but Tiger Woods, wow. His life is screwed up now to be sure, but for awhile there apparently he was paid billions of dollars to play golf and sleep with a wide variety of different women. When he wasn’t knocking his balls into holes on the golf course, he was just doing it with waitresses, models, a porn star, a newscaster, and one “sex-crazed cougar” from Great Britain. What a life. Now it looks like the bill has finally arrived in the mail. This morning a blond woman was taken from Tiger Woods’ Florida home in an ambulance to the hospital. I hope nothing too terrible happens there.

Alexa Ray Joel, daughter of singer/songwriter Billy Joel and supermodel Christy Brinkley, apparently may have tried to kill herself by taking 8 homeopathic pain pills. I am doubting that would even give me a good head buzz. The Joel’s don’t seem to have a solid grip on the more successful methods of snuffing oneself out – Billy Joel admitted that at a particularly low point in his own life he tried to kill himself, by drinking furniture cleaner. That must have been quite the hangover.

Egg Nog Season

Myself I've been avoiding the hangover by slipping into that smooth, creamy world that is egg nog and brandy. The residual effects of the concoction are more of a delayed stupefaction than they are a traditional, painful headache and nausea. It is just the lubricant one needs to successfully navigate the emotional and psychological labyrinth that is the holiday season. While the world around us descends into consumer-driven chaos, those of us on the nog can manage to ooze through the mayhem and maintain a semblance of alcohol-induced sanity. It's the only time of the year the stuff really works – one of those perfect symbioses, like the parasitic worms that help certain people deal with allergies, or those little fish that swim into the mouths of the larger species and clean their teeth. It's a combination that has evolved from necessity and endured because it is effective.

News Flash!

Danica Patrick

This just in! Danica Patrick will be attempting to make the switch from Indy car racing to stock cars. I know there aren't a whole lot of Nascar fans out there, but this is exciting stuff. Patrick will apparently be racing in a limited number of races in Nascar's Nationwide series – the series a step below the premier Sprint Cup events. She'll be driving for JR Motorsports, a team co-owned by Dale Earnhardt Jr. and his sister Kelly. Kelly Earnhardt is the General Manager for JR. Now I am seriously looking forward to February.

madbob@madbob.com