Something is seriously strange here... Time has started to slow down; or compress; or encapsulate at this point. I don't understand exactly what is happening. I was just playing music over at my friend's... I was playing music with some friends; things were going really good. I was very happy; but then I was distraught. I don't know. Again – I don't know. It just went from bad to worse very quickly and then I did not understand what was going on. It was like a million things were all coming at me at once – all these points were beaming at me in a sort of unison. I don't know how to describe what happened. It was weird. I was suddenly surrounded by energy. I was no longer myself – or; I was fluctuating in between myself and nothingness. I could feel myself losing my id – or my ego? I'm not completely clear on which is which anyway.
Poor little people and dogs are crashed out all around me as I drink the last of the wine. I guess this isn't stuff you should joke about – and so I won't. I was stricken tonight. I was struck by a strange kind of feeling. I am unsure how to continue. It wasn't like anything else I ever felt.
The thing is, that, for a long time now – for awhile. For a long time I have felt... incomplete? I just haven't been able to come to grips with all these questions. There are all these questions floating around out there – and they beg answers! But I didn't have any answers – I only had the questions. And it was driving me crazy! Because I am a person who wants; no, I am a person who requires answers!
So tonight's conversion was good. It really relaxed me. There is such a comforting feeling in knowing that there is a reason and a rhyme for all of this. The idea of order is so beautiful.
I thought about a dozen stories tonight. A few anyway; a captain who ends up not going down with the ship. A pre-judge in a camel toe contest; a car that is rolled over and returned to the parking spot from which it was stolen: Four-wheel slides and epic backgammon contests; one hundred sixty five and one/half? pound tuna?!?
Music – always music behind all of this mayhem.
I am desperately trying to get to the point of all of this. It just isn't easy to describe this feeling of complete understanding – this underlying belief that everything is placed before us with purpose. When you think of a rapidly spinning cosmos and all of these planets and stars spinning around one another – through space – the idea of pre-destination just takes shape in there somewhere... It all just makes so much sense!
From Stephen Colbert to the drying carcass of a centipede; there is this sense of purpose. I feel it.
[that could end it but...]
It's pretty short so I could go on about the beautiful, intricate, and obvious purpose of the universe around us. I could use words to write about that feeling; but words don't really capture everything. I have to be careful – because a path has been chosen for me... and so now I must follow the path.
I've had enough of bashing drinking glasses into my teeth – now I want to feel the Light of the Lord! Now I have felt the Light of the Lord! God this is the beauty of writing. We are not constrained by the normal rules of time. The written word can be slowed or sped up; it can be warped or crinkled to make events seem more spontaneous, radical; or violent. Words can do the opposite.
Now that I believe – I understand. I don't pretend to know everything – but I am starting to understand. It feels good to know that there is an answer to every question. It feels safer – knowing everything is backed – by a plan...
But I am just spinning now; spinning through a Universe. Spinning through some time, and space. I like the straight lines – the spinning gets to be too much...
You've caught me on a weird night. I am feeling warmer than I expected to. I have to get this thing wrapped up! I wouldn't trust a single sentence. The words are just the words... today.
And so just as I am in the very depths of turmoil; my mind opens and awakens to the presence of the Lord! He is coming down for me! He is reaching out to me! He takes my hand in His; He beaming light from a fiery cross. We become One – He and I. I feel the Love at last!
madbob@madbob.com
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