I hate talking about sex – I really do. I am forty years old, have been married for over eleven years, and sex still scares and confuses the hell out of me. I don’t get it. (Read that last sentence any way you want.) No but seriously – there are so many ways you can have sex – and I am not talking about positions. There is emotionally attached sex, emotionally devoid sex, sex for fun, pleasure, pain, hate, humiliation. Sex can be used to boost, or tear down the ego.
For myself, sex has always had strong emotions attached to it – but then there are times when it has not. I’ll tell you this: the best sex I have had is with a partner I love and also like; but that doesn’t mean I haven’t had some very good sex with a person I barely know, or with a person I don’t even like very much. Then of course there is the classic adage: “Crazy fuck is a good fuck.” There is some truth to the statement. There is something to be said for a partner that is wild and uninhibited, or someone who is working through their chaotic emotions through the act of intercourse. So bizarre.
Sex is scary. There are a lot of physical negatives that sex can bring about – abortions, disease, unwanted pregnancy; and there are loads of emotional negatives that can accompany the act as well. It can cause shame, anguish, self-loathing. Sex can be debasing. But there is something alluring about being debased; hence our fascination with the drug addicts and the rock and rollers – people who have the ability, the folly, or the guts to transmute to the level of beasts. I have, on occasion, gone out of my way to have a sexual experience that debased me, solely for the sake of being debased.
I’m not a notch on the bedpost guy, but that is probably because I don’t have many notches on my bedpost. If I had a hundred notches, maybe I’d be advocating for the thrill of the conquest – heck, if I had thirty notches… Admittedly though, that thrill of new flesh is very strong and very exciting.
I don’t know – there are those out there capable of compartmentalizing the emotions that accompany an intimate act like sex: porn stars and prostitutes come to mind. They compartmentalize out of necessity. Then there are the swingers and the free-lovers who actively choose to divorce the intimacy from the act. I don’t know if I could ever do that – I don’t know if I would want to. I mean, sure, jealousy and possessiveness are negative emotions that can come with attachment; but being able to exclusively love and trust someone you are intimate with is a wonderful feeling.
Anyway, what do I know? Not a damn thing really. I guess my advice would have to be this: find a partner you really like, really love, and who is a little bit crazy. Hey, it works for me!
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